


Wooden Legs, Bad Tattoos and Fake Beards

by Pameluke



Category: Organization for Transformative Works RPF
Genre: Crossdressing, Dutch Children's Songs, Gen, Guess The Wrangler!?, Pirates, Women Wearing Beards
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-13
Updated: 2013-09-13
Packaged: 2017-12-26 11:37:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/965493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pameluke/pseuds/Pameluke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She always wanted to be a pirate...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I reached the character limit for the notes, so they are in the second chapter.

Ever since she was a little girl, she'd wanted to be a sailor. Well, first she'd wanted to be a pirate, drink rum, fight with swords and sail wherever she wanted to. And steal a lot of gold. But then the East India Trading Company started to bear down on piracy everywhere, so she'd sadly shelved that dream.  
She still wanted to go out there and sail. Feel the wind on her skin, taste the salt on her lips, see the world. So she memorized the old songs, dressed up as a boy, and boarded a merchant's vessel as a sailor.

She loved it. The work was hard, the sailors brutish, and she lost the skin on her hands because of all the deck scrubbing, but she loved it. When she'd finished her chores she'd climb the mast, and she'd feel so free. It was everything she ever wanted.

Alas, then disaster struck, she made a fatal mistake during a storm, the captain beat her in punishment and found out she was a girl, and next harbor she was thrown off, with nothing but the clothes on her back. It could have been worse, but still, she was in quite a pickle. She needed to find a new ship to board soon, or she'd starve. None of the ships looking for sailors looked like ships she'd want to be on though, either headed back to Europe, which she didn't want, or with dangerous looking sailors who she didn't want to find out she was a girl ever.

Except maybe for the Erin. It looked well in order, although it was docked at the sketchy side of the harbor. It's sailors were armed to the teeth, but they didn't look vicious per say, and they were loading crates and crates of rum. Altogether she was pretty sure The Erin was a pirate ship, and suddenly her dream of piracy came back to the fore with a vengeance. She was going to get on that ship.

So she remembered the songs she grew up with, how real pirates have wooden legs, earrings, bad tattoos, hooks for hands and a neverending thirst. She wasn't ready to loose limbs for this, but she had the tattoo covered (a blazing sun on her shoulder), she had three earrings in her left ear, she was always thirsty and had drunk many sailors under the table. And she had her fake beard, which wasn't terribly comfortable, but did the trick. It was a price she was willing to pay.

The recruiter was rumored to be recruiting at The Campfire, which definitely was a shady bar if there ever had one. She had to duck out of the way of two huge sailors brawling, and step over one sailor sleeping in his vomit only to reach the bar. She ordered herself a rum, and decided to just approach the recruiter straight forward. The recruiter had the biggest black beard she'd ever seen, an eyepatch, and tattoos covering both of his arms that looked to be Egyptian.

She remembered to lower her voice. "I'd like to enlist on the Erin," she said.

The recruiter looked her up and down, eyes lingering on her beard. "Is that so. Any experience?" he said.

"I've just worked 6 months on a merchant's vessel, the Nemo, as a regular sailor. I can fight, I can sail, and I work hard."

The recruiter didn't look impressed, and she feared she was never getting out of this town. But then he slammed his empty glass on the bar. "We sail at dawn, be on deck, and we'll see what the Captain has to say."

She did a little inner fistpump and decided more rum was definitely in order.

She regretted that decision the next morning, when her head was aching like mad, and she had nearly overslept at the table in a corner of The Campfire. She made sure her beard was secure one more time before she climbed a board. The recruiter had clearly spotted her, and was waiting for her on deck, and brought her to the Captain without so much as a word.

"Captain, this is the new recruit."

The Captain was tall, sporting a massive red beard, and a very intricately braided mustache. He had two swords, and a tattoo of a shield on his right cheek. She was pretty intimidated, but refused to let it show.

"Name?"

"Sunny, Captain, " she said, in her lowest possible voice.

"Alright. You've got until the end of Second Watch to impress. Make any mistakes and you're going down the plank. Clear?"

"Yes, Captain."

"The boatswain will show you your duties."

The boatswain turned out to be the recruiter, and for the next hours she hoisted sails, climbed the mast, secured the anchor and scrubbed the deck. She was happy to be working again, to be on the open water, to be free. Before she knew it, the bell signaling the end of Second Watch rang.

The Captain stood on the steering deck, took down his head and nodded at her. She was going to stay.

"Attention crew! No land in sight!" He bellowed. A cheer went up in the crowd gathered on deck, and she wondered at the high pitch of it. 

"You know what that means ladies, beards off!"

She just stood there with open mouth as everyone around her started dropping beards. The boatswain approached her, a wide grin on his, no _her_ face.

"Welcome aboard The Erin!"


	2. Notes and Translations

Oh Campfire, how I blame you for everything.

First, I hope everyone recognizes everyone :)

Second, there's a lot of inspiration here from Dutch Songs I grew up with. The first part of the story is inspired by "Daar was laatst een meisje loos", a very old folksong about a girl who longed to be a sailor. You can hear me singing it here:

[Here's](http://www.liedjesland.com/Liedjes/kinderliedjes/DaarWasLaatstEenMeisjeLoos/DaarWasLaatstEenMeisjeLoos.htm) the full text of the song.  
Rough translation of the text, without the rhyme or rhythm alas:

_Once there was a girl lost,_

_she wanted to sail_  
_she wanted to sail,_  
_Once there was a girl lost,_  
_she wanted to sail as a sailor._

_She had to climb the mast,_  
_Fix the sails,_  
_Fix the sails,_  
_She had to climb the mast,_  
_Fix the sails with ropes._

_But because of storm and bad weather,_  
_Hit the sails,_  
_Hit the sails,_  
_but because of storm and bad weather,_  
_Hit the sails the deck from above_

_Oh please Captain, don't hit me,_  
_I'm your honey,_  
_I'm your honey,_  
_Oh please Captain, don't hit me,_  
_I'm your honey as well as you know_

_She had to come to the cabin,_  
_Got a beating_  
_Got a beating_  
_She had to come to the cabin_  
_Got a beating and then it was done._

 

The requirements of what makes a real captain comes from two songs.  
First, the beards, comes from another old folksong, 'Al Die Willen Te Kaap'ren Varen'. Only the first verse is widely know, so you can hear me sing that here:

There's been some recordings of bands doing the whole song, my favorite is by Fungus, although the arrangement is slightly different of how I learnt it as a kid. ([Listen on youtube](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxoNe-5D_M4))

The first verse is the only one of importance here and translates as:

_All those who want to sail as capers,_  
_have to be men with beards,_  
_Jan, Pier, Tjores and Korneel,_  
_they have beards,_  
_they have beards,_  
_Jan, Pier, Tjores and Korneel,_  
_they have beards, they sail along._

If anyone ever wants a translation of the rest, just hit me in the comments section.

The other stuff is inspired by one of my favorite songs of a kid's show I grew up with, Piraten-potpourri from Samson en Gert. Samson en Gert was (and is) a massively popular kid's show, and pretty formative for children of my generation and younger. (I still know a shocking amount of songs by heart). It's somewhat the Belgian Sesame Street I think.  
[Watch the awesome video clip.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uc8dUKcdYag)

Lyrics can be found [here](http://artists.letssingit.com/samson-en-gert-lyrics-piraten-potpourri-fbfz9b5#axzz2enac4a00)

Translation, I tried my best, but couldn't keep the rhyme everywhere:

_Chorus:_  
_We are pirates of the sea_  
_and who wants to can sail along_  
_we are pirates, pirates,_  
_pirates of the sea_

_(x2)_

_Gert:_  
_My father told me: dearest Gert,_  
_become a baker or a farmer,_  
_or merchant of sheep cheese,_  
_or food for the sharks (literally for parrots, but it's the same underlying idiom)_  
_My mother told me: become a machinist,_  
_or stoker on a train_  
_But I said: if I'm a grown-up_  
_I'll be a pirate captain_

_Samson + choir:_  
_Do your best for the boss,_  
_scare the rats off the cheese_

_Gert:_  
_Beautiful is the life of a pirate_

_Samson + choir:_  
_Catch those cables, catch that line,_  
_fish the rats out of the wine_

_Gert:_  
_Beautiful is the life of a pirate captain_

_Samson, Gert + choir:_  
_And we sail towards Timbuktu_  
_To Timbuktu, to Timbuktu_  
_And we sail towards Timbuktu_  
_And we aren't tired at all yet_

_(x2)_

_Samson:_  
_the dog of the sailors_  
_joins in on every trip_  
_to the heat of the tropics_  
_and the sees filled with ice_

_Gert:_  
_The doggy doesn't get seasick_  
_Is steady on the deck_

_Samson:_  
_And he has his own basket,_  
_above in the mast_

_Samson, Gert + choir:_

_chorus x 2_

_Gert:_  
_Our steersman is called Jake_

_Samson + choir:_  
_soup, soup, soup with noodles_

_Gert:_  
_He has to eat with a hook_

_Samson + choir:_  
_soup, soup, soup with noodles_

_Gert:_  
_Because of that we don't often eat_

_Samson + choir:_  
_soup, soup, soup with noodles_

_Samson + Gert:_  
_soup, soup, soup with taste_

_Samson, Gert + choir:_  
_because the steersman has a hook_

_Gert:_  
_If the stars call me,_  
_if the seewind whistles at me_  
_then I have to head to the water_  
_have to take the journey_  
_But when the seagulls scream_  
_above storm and seasounds_  
_I long for Marlène,_  
_and want to go home_

_Samson + choir:_  
_A real pirate has a hole in his ear,_  
_a hole in his ear_

_Samson:_  
_with a little ring in it_

_Samson + choir:_  
_A real pirate has a boat on his chest,_  
_a boat on his chest_

_Samson:_  
_and a terrible thirst_

_Samson + choir:_  
_A real pirate you recognize at once_

_Samson:_  
_With his hole, and his boat, and his wooden leg_

_Samson, Gert + choir:_  
_chorus x 4_

Honestly, I've mostly forgotten by now what started this all, but I blame you all so hard.

 


End file.
